I wasn't sure how to start this process however it occurred to me to start with the event that provided me with the best revelation and also cleared my name from a massive smear campaign of one of my exwives. We were married by the Church and she was a full time employee. I voulenteered every week and we were highly visible to most of the 3000 families that attend the parish. The marriage lasted for 15 years but really it was done in 9 years before the split. During those years I experienced the worst manipulation and emotional blackmail ever. The one event that first got me to acknowledge that I was married to a narcissitic manipulator was of all things her employment with the Church. We had 5 young children two younger ones were ours. We agreed when we married that she was a stay at home mom and the primary care giver of the children. Five years in I got a great job that relocated us to a new state. She had expressed to me that she wanted to go to work and needed to "be somebody". Our youngest son was only one at the time and I wanted him to be raised at home. She hounded me day and night about it with endless babbling rants and I decided that as a compromise if it was only part time the boys would be in daycare 1 day per week. This lasted less than 90 days because behind the scenes she was manipulating the Padre and his staff to make the position full time. I came home from work one day and she announced that the job is now full time and weekends and two nights a week. Therefore full time day care for the kids and I would be cooking and caregiver for weekends in addition to working 60 hrs as the primary bread winner.
I was furious and tried several times over the next few years to get her to honor her obligation to our family. Those discussions always ended the same way. I would have to prove that what she did was wrong and selfish and then she would threaten to divorce me and take away my children.
Anyone who has been in a relationship with a sick person like this knows that if cornered the narcissist will discard you and find a new host to leech on and start the smear campaign to convince everyone that they were not to blame. The hard part is that the people she used to smear my name were the Church folks and my own family members.
Like most narcissist she found a new dupe a few months before the divorce was final and kept that in secret because a Catholic is not free to date or remarry until they get an annulment. This is especially true for an employee. She was cock sure that the process would be a slam dunk since she was sucked in tight with the powers that be. The only thing that she didn't realize was that I was not going to roll over and just take it. Most annulments the petitioner slams the respondant in such a way that the respondant either doesn't respond or spends the whole time trying to defend their name. Instead I took the time to answer every question and was given an advocate to help me fight the process.
Now if I were reading this for the first time. I might ask the question why would you fight the annulment? Because I don't think that Christianity condones divorce. There are only a few reasons why the Tribunal grant's annulments like lack of form or immaturity IE too young to understand what you are doing. I never imagined that there were actually grounds. I discovered through that process just how seriously the Church Tribunal takes the annulments of marriage. The process took two years and I found out later that it included her being interviewed by the tribunal as well as a psychiatrist. They concluded that the marriage was annulled on the grounds of her MENTAL ILLNESS. They classified her as having borderline personality disorder. The Church said that I am free to remarry but she cannot until she gets help for her Abusive mental illness. The vindication that I felt sent me down a learning path that began to answer every question I have had about my growing up life and also cleared up the reason why I have made so many poor choices in relationships.
Thanks for reading. Next post I will reveal how this event helped me to identify my own personality disorder.
Hank. Tahelluride.
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